Flaws and Fears

A number of events over the past two weeks have given me a picture of my worst nightmare.  I worry that the character flaws that I see in myself at age 24 are ones that will be with me for the rest of my life.  I once had a conversation with a friend about this anxiety to which he replied, "what's the point of worrying about these things?  It's not as if any of the worrying is actually going to change the people that we are."  While I must agree that worrying about something doesn't give us the ability to change that thing, it bothers me to accept that there are characteristics that cannot be changed.  In fact, it absolutely terrifies me.

So, in an effort to address this fear I am taking this opportunity to write down the most serious flaws that I see in myself.  I see this not so much as venting, but rather as the first concrete step towards ridding myself for once and for all of these maladies.  

1) Follow-through: Whether it's finishing a book or finishing my work I find that I have trouble finishing.  I have seen this time and again in my life and while it can sometimes be easy to make light of yet another task that remains incomplete I can see that unchecked, this will become a corrosive life trend that will lead to bitterness.  I have seen this same trait in adults much older than myself which has given me a vision of what it would look like in my own life.   "Overpromising and underperforming" is a trait that goes hand in hand with the inability to follow-through and finish and is something that I find myself doing more and more.

2) Honesty: I wouldn't say that I am a dishonest person, though I would say that I have problems with honestly, primarily with myself.  It's something as small as believing that I can do a million and one things in the day and get all of those things done when clearly, there is just not enough time in the day for all of it.  It extends to other people as I involve them in my life and when I let them down, I have a distinct feeling that I have let them down through my inability to be honest with myself and as a result, with them.  The inability to be completely honest with myself and others at times leaves me paralyzed when it comes time for me to make a decision because my considerations aren't straightforward; I am considering my own self-interest, along with others', all while trying to find the optimal situation and somehow forgetting the option that makes the most sense.  This difficulty with honesty is also reflected in a true assessing of my own talents and abilities.  

3) Organization: My poor organization is definitely a trait that I got from my father, though it would be a cop-out to attribute it completely to genetics.  My apartment, car, schedule and life in general are all in some state of disorder and I wonder how I can get it under control without becoming somewhat obsessive compulsive.  The alternative is sloppiness, and though there is some appeal to living life stress free, sloppy I can't deal with.  I do believe that the way a person lives their life is a reflection of the way they think.

So here it is.  My only hope is that actually writing down these thoughts will be a concrete first step in dealing with these flaws as opposed to a false start.